Every single time I attend a concert at the McKay Events Center in Orem, I swear to myself that I'll never go there again.

The older I get, the less I want to deal with overly crowded and poorly planned concerts. But, how do you say no to a one-night-only Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer concert? Um, you don't. Ever. I sucked it up and bought a ticket and made plans to attend with my younger brothers. As kids, I forced them to listen to both artists so thought it was only fair to force them as adults.

I considered dressing in '80s garb, but couldn't find the Simplicity pattern for parachute pants in my mother's basement. After seeing all the kids dressed up, I'm thankful I didn't. There should definitely be a law against that much neon in a public place. My eyes did nothing to deserve that kind of trauma. I've never seen such horrendous, yet wildly entertaining outfits. It's difficult not to point and laugh when dudes are racing past you in fluorescent neon tights, but since my mother raised me not to mock those less fortunate, I didn't. (Disclaimer: that is a bold-faced lie. Of course I pointed and laughed. How could I not? I'm sure my mother understands.)

I didn't pay much attention to the local band that opened. I ran into my friend Robyn and we were far too busy practicing our dance moves. We mastered the Hammer dance just as Vanilla Ice took the stage, and immediately bombed. I guess it's probably tough to entertain a crowd when all you have is "Ice, Ice Baby" and "Ninja Rap." Perhaps that's why he had a satanic looking clown Santa on stage with him. When something is that freaky, it tends to shift the attention. After a few terrible rock songs, Vanilla Ice took it old school and played what I came to hear. I loved it and instantly felt years younger.

Vanilla Ice didn't play for long, and while we were all waiting for MC Hammer to start, my brothers disappeared. They came back with frozen yogurt. Only in Utah County do they serve frozen yogurt at a concert instead of beer. I mocked the idea, but found myself craving some of my own froyo within minutes. I begged my brothers to go buy me some, but they wouldn't. Jerks.

Next up was the man of the hour. I read in Rolling Stone that MC Hammer was going to bring 24 back-up dancers and a full choir. I don't think there were that many dancers and there wasn't a choir, but damn that old man looks good for being almost 50. He was definitely a crowd pleaser. I squealed like a little girl when he took the stage. He was so great that I forgave him for his annoying diatribe about the state of the economy followed up by his song "Pray." I recently read somewhere that his reality television show "Hammertime" is set to air. I'm guessing that portion of the evening will eventually end up on the show.

Much like most of the '80s, the show was so horrible it was fantastic. I still hate the venue and may have to follow Hammer's lead and pray… for a better venue, and maybe an endless supply of froyo.

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